Partner

I've always been her partner. Not really a daughter. More of a friend, enemy, moving assistant, house cleaner, mock-spouse sort. At times it's fine. Others though...it's not a good feeling.

I've always known way more than any kid should know about her finances, her personal life, the deep inner working of her mind. It's a lot for a kid to know just how poor we are, or the worry and frustration that comes along with not being able to pay the electric bill.

I've helped do the budget and money handling and bill paying for as long as I can remember. Maybe it's contributed to my abilities as an accountant or how to properly manage my own money or to pick a profession that makes a decent wage. I'm thankful for that. Looking back on how it made me feel as a youngster, though, I was not thankful at the time.

 I always had the knot in my stomach. How would we make it to the next pay day? How could we buy food with $20? The electric is going to be turned off and it's July in the desert. The car will be repossessed if we don't pay soon. I'm sure thinking about this sort of thing at 10 years old while I sit in class trying to focus on the reading assignment is not a healthy thing.

It's not her fault. She had no one else. I'm the oldest kid. It's my responsibility, right? This is where the line of child/parent gets blurry and disappears.

This has followed me. To this day, she still tells me every last detail of her financial situation. It adds stress on top of my own stress. Even in my twenties I still don't feel right about knowing these things and feeling like I have to fix it. I don't talk about my finances with anyone but my husband. If I had no husband, it's only my business to know. Only my problem to solve.

I've saved her a dozen times or so. Money is never a good thing to handle between family members. It messes with emotions and increases frustration. Increases tension.

Aside from financial matters, I've always know details about her very personal life that no one should know. Many occasions she has blurted out personal accounts of activities I can't bear to write about. A daughter should never know these things.

She's never quite decided which role I'm supposed to be. It switches back and forth. When she realizes I know too much, she'll become upset and tell me it's not business. Then other times it's my duty to listen to her complaints, bad days at work and financial troubles.

It's a lot of work to be a partner.