The Dilemma

Yes, she's been horrible. Yes, we have been horrible to each other. A lot of angry and hurtful words exchanged. A lot of hatred between us. My anger the result of her mistreatment towards me and her anger the result of me robbing her of her 20s or maybe anger toward everything but me, but I just happened to be there to take it out on.

Things haven't really changed much over the years. She hasn't grown out of the temper tantrums and mood swings. She still screams obscenities. She doesn't use physical violence toward me anymore, so that's a plus.

She often bails on me and abandons me during important times like birthdays, holidays, finals, my wedding, pregnancy, birth...basically if the focus isn't on her she will kick and scream until it is about her. She did help out a ton the first few months of Evan's life, so that's nice.

We have had good times. They exist. When things are good they are good. We like to get lunch together, shop, watch movies, watch Evan. But when things are bad they are really bad. Currently we haven't spoken in 2 months. Pretty typical of the cycle.

My son broke a large vase while she was babysitting and John and I were out having our anniversary dinner. I received the call and immediately asked if Evan was okay, was he injured, did the glass cut him or get in his eyes. I was feeling very afraid that he was hurt, as any mother would fear and inquire about. He was fine, just very shaken up because the sound of the glass breaking was so loud. He cried for a long time but eventually calmed down. We finished our dinner, per her advice, then quickly drove home. Evan was asleep and there was a weird tension in the house as soon as we walked in. I asked if everything was ok, why was she acting strangely toward me. I asked for a detailed play-by-play of the situation. Didn't get much out of her. She started crying and gathering her stuff to leave. I was confused. No one was hurt. She said I was being insensitive to her, it was very traumatic. She goes to the door and I have no words because I am so confused about what she was doing. I asked why she was behaving this way. Door open, half way out, she says she doesn't want to get into it with me. Into what? I don't understand. She begins raising her voice and getting angry, saying I didn't understand how traumatic this was. But no one was hurt. Evan was sound asleep in bed. Then. Then she says it. The most selfish thing I have ever heard uttered from a grandmother's mouth. She says: you only care about how Evan is doing, you didn't ask if I was ok. I asked her to leave. I told her to get out. I was in shock that someone could say these words.

I haven't talked to her since. We have exchanged a ton of anger-filled emails and texts. She's turned this into a fight about me not respecting her and me being selfish. She tried to call me once but I didn't pick up. I don't have the strength or patience to deal with her. It's a lot of work.

Since then she has gone to the babysitter to see Evan without asking me. Crying and complaning to her about me. Telling all of our business to a woman she doesn't even know. She has gone to my mother in law's house and spilled all of our personal details, calling me names and making me look bad. It's disturbing. What mother does that?

I believe that she is bi-polar. I've believed that for a long time. I did research and she fits all of the symptoms. I'm scared for her. Only recently have I asked her to get some help, to talk to a professional. She won't, says she's fine. I can't let her around my family when she's said these words about her grandson. When she's put more importance on herself than on her grandson. Her behavior and way of showing anger is unhealthy and downright scary. I do not want my child to witness that and think it's ok. John has seen way too much already.

The dilemma: she's missing so much of Evan's development and life. I feel sad for her that she doesn't even seem to care. So, do I call and let her see him? Do I open up that door? I've asked her to get help before she can see him and she refuses. She'll miss his whole life. I don't want to know her anymore, I don't want a relationship, but what about Evan? I do miss the good times. They are just so hard to come by that I'd rather not gamble with it anymore.

It's so tiring. Round and round we go.