i want to care

I went college thinking I wanted to study veterinary science. Then I changed to business then back again. Finally, after feeling lost for a semester, I took a personality test in the student center. The results pointed to something creative or something in business.

I scoured the list of suggested careers and related majors and still felt overwhelmed. Math teacher, banker, accountant, actuary, writer, photographer and the list went on for pages and pages. In the end I went to the top of the alphabetical list and said I might as well give this one a shot. So I took an intro accounting class and understood the content. The instructor said if you get it you should think about it as a career path, if you don't, just drop it. I got it. I stayed in, not because I loved it or had a feeling of satisfaction from being able to write up journal entries for the general ledger. I stayed in because I understood it. It was something I had the ability to do but not the passion to do.

I also based my decision on the fact that I would always have a job and a paycheck. After living paycheck to paycheck with my mother, I knew I couldn't continue that into my adult life. Too stressful. So I racked up 4 years worth of student loans to get my degree in accounting.

Not the best decision. Yes, I've always had a job. Yes, I can feed my family. BUT I've not once been happy in my career choices. I just don't care about the work I do. I do the work. I do it correctly and accurately only because I like the paycheck. I do not get excited about my work. I just don't care. I'm not making a difference in any one's life, changing the world, making it a better place, doing anything meaningful and I'm definitely not making me happy. I get irritated with people in my office who are married to their work. Who act like it's the only thing in the world that matters. I want to rip their faces to shreds.

I punch the clock and urge the day to go faster because sitting behind a desk is torture. Staring at spreadsheets is maddening. Especially when you do unrewarding work. I have like 30 more years of this. Really? I can't. I just can't.

I want to care. I want to love what I do. I want to wake up Monday and be excited to go to work. I want to bring joy and beauty and excitement to people's lives. I don't have dreams of being rich. I don't need a big house and fancy car. I just want to enjoy life and be creative.

I have a strong feeling this has contributed to my bouts of depression. I get very down about it. Down that I spend 8 hours away from my child doing things I hate. If I was doing something that made me happy then I could justify spending a little time away from my baby.

So, does this exist? Is there ever a balance between paying bills and having a great career or do I have to choose?

I don't know how to fix this. I have to make a change or I'll most definitely be unhappy.

I want to care.